Warrior - Chapter Thirty Eight

Leaning back into my pillow, I crossed my arms. "So, what would you like to know about me?"

Arnav flashed that small, polite smile of his. "It's funny; there were quite a few questions I had in mind, but now my mind seems to have blanked," he chuckled lightly.

"Oh?"

"Yeah," and he rubbed the back of his head with his hand, with an embarrassed chuckle. "But feel free to ask me anything if you'd like."

Hmm... ask him anything, huh?

What do I even ask about? I mean there's the whole twelve-years thing where him and his parents lived separately from the others, but do I even want to start that deep? Then there's the matter of his tattoos, but even that can be deep....

Who would've thought asking a question could be so damn difficult.

"Struggling as well," Arnav asked.

I shook my head from side to side. "So to say."

Arnav gives that soft smile of his, but it quickly changes as something comes to mind. "Oh, how about starting off with something simple - what made you get interested in business?"

Okay, that's not so bad. "Uh, well, that credit would have to go to Babuji," I simply said.

"Oh," Arnav nodded with acknowledgement.

Short answers aren't gonna work here, are they?

Well he did just say that he wanted to spend time for us to get to know each other better....

"I liked seeing him all suited up," I elaborated. "One of my early memories is of him in this nice tuxedo with a tie and pocket square set and he just looked so ready for business and like nothing could stop him. There was a confidence to him, and he reminded me of men you would see on TV and it made me very curious, especially since he would go out and Amma, Payal and I would stay behind. Then, one day, I said- no, I demanded to be taken along with him."

"Demanded," Arnav smirked.

"Oh yeah. Amma looked at me like I was crazy and Babuji only laughed, but he agreed to take me cause he said he was going to be bored at this event. I didn't care what the reason was, I just wanted to go because I needed to know what the deal was that had my father dressing up constantly."

"Do you remember the event?"

"Kind of; like I can see a few flashes of it if I put my mind to it. I remember Amma put me in this puffy, velvet blue dress, despite her not wanting me to go. I don't blame her, I was just a little kid that was going to be surrounded by old men drinking whiskey and talking business. Years later when I asked Babuji why he actually agreed to take me that day, he said that it was to give Amma a break since Payal was so little and I was a handful," I shrugged. "Whatever the case, I went, I stayed by my father's side all night, and I didn't understand a thing."

Arnav let out a small chuckle. "How old were you?"

"I wanna say... seven? Something like that."

"And how bored was seven year old you at the event?"

"I wouldn't exactly say bored, to be honest. Curious was more like it. There were all these men who looked so much alike because 99 percent of them were in black tuxedos with a drink in their hand, talking loudly and laughing here and there. The only thing that differentiated any of them was their ties, pocket squares, or their smell."

"Smell?"

"Oh fuck yes, some of these old geezers reeked of cigars or shitty cologne," I shuddered, the smell ever so evident in my memory.

"Well... actually, you're not wrong," Arnav said, looking up in wonder. "Yeah, I've definitely had my share of encounters with such people."

"It's atrocious and no one ever says anything for whatever reason."

Arnav shrugged in return. "So was that the only time you went to an event with Babuji?"

I'm momentarily stunned from hearing Arnav actually referring Babuji as, well, Babuji, but I quickly shove it away. "No, I went several times after that. His fellow business associates quickly got to know me just as I quickly got to know them, perhaps even better. See, when you're a kid, no one really pays great attention to you. They just see you as a kid that's completely clueless. The reality, however, is quite the opposite; and while I listened to my father speak to these men, and these men speak in return, I was quickly able to understand these people's characters. In the long run, it ended up helping me when I actually got into the family business."

"Wow... that's actually really impressive, I must say."

I shrugged in return. "It's only because I found it all interesting. If that weren't the case, then I most likely would have just gone the one time and not become the businesswoman I am today."

Arnav nodded with acknowledgement. "Sounds like you spent a great amount of time with your father then; are you guys close?"

As soon as I hear the question, my heart slightly sinks and I look away. "We used to be," I nearly whispered. "But after the incident...."

"Oh.... Um, if you don't mind me asking, is there a specific reason why?"

My eyes meet his once more and I shrug. "I don't know," I said softly. "I don't think I could put it on one specific thing. I think part of it has to do simply with the fact that my whole life changed after that. ...Part of it might be because there's a part of me that blames Babuji for what happened to me."

Arnav's eyes slightly widened.

I shake my head with a sigh. "A part of me just doesn't feel the same way about anything anymore because of my traumatized heart."

Sympathy spreads through Arnav's eyes and I can see the way the gears of his brain are cranking to get his next words right. "Do you truly blame him for... everything?"

"No... and yes."

Arnav glanced down, nodding.

"It's complicated."

He nodded once more and then looked back up at me. "What about with Amma? How do you feel towards her?"

Again, I try to ignore the fact that he's actually referring to Amma as Amma, and focus on the question instead.

Only thing is, I don't have an answer.

Seconds passed by and I remained quiet, unable to answer.

Arnav straightened up, sitting up properly. "I'm sorry, I went stepped too far, I shouldn't have-"

"No, it's... don't be."

For a moment, neither of us say anything, silence surrounding us until Arnav broke it.

"It's just that," he began softly, "I remembered her reaction at the engagement... so I was curious."

I can't help but to tilt my head with a frown. "What do you mean?"

"Well... it's just that- and by no means am I trying to be rude, but.... I just found it a little disturbing how - in my opinion - how she worried on the wrong things."

Huh?

"Like how she was worried about your behavior towards those women that night," he elaborated when he saw the confusion on my face. "She was more worried about your actions, rather than the guests - whom were invited from your side - were being rude towards you."

For a moment, I just looked at him, remembering that night - the way Amma looked terrified, the way Arnav was humored, and the way Aryan and Shalini Singh Raizada looked proud. "Caught that, did you?"

It's a rhetorical question, but Arnav nodded anyways.

Taking in a deep breath, I let out a heavy sigh, toying with my fingers as I glanced down at them in my lap. "I don't hate her, it's just... I pity her."

Arnav tilted his head with a frown.

"Amma, she.... I know that Amma acts the way that she does simply because she's desperate to try and go back to what it used to be like before that happened - how no one would look at me in the wrong way, or the family the wrong way. She's desperate for the times when people actually cared for us, rather than make a debacle of us." 

I watched as Arnav pinched his lips together, trying to understand.

I let out another heavy sigh. "I know that the only reason why Amma even invited those people - or anyone for that matter - was to simply show that we still had family and relatives; we still had friends and we weren't in seclusion. She wanted to show to the others that despite everything, we were still doing well. She also wanted to show your family that we had family too; I think she would've been too embarrassed showing up with just us while you had your family, friends, and relatives."

"My family and I don't care about those things, but I can understand where she was coming from. ...However, I don't like that she invited people that hate you."

My eyes instantly met his, and for a moment, I'm stunned.

"It wasn't right having all of those... critics, for a nicer term, being there to only judge and wish poorly on you."

"Maybe," I shrugged. "But I'm used to it and I know they're all a fake bunch of motherfuckers so I could give a less fuck."

A small smile spreads across Arnav's lips, and if I'm not mistaken, there's a small hint of... pride? In his eyes?

Huh?

"True," Arnav chuckled lightly, distracting me from my thoughts.

"Uh... yeah.... But Amma is still in a delusion, desperately trying to cling onto the ways of before. Also, Amma wanted to show them that despite everything, we were doing fine - I was doing fine, that their words of ridicule were baseless. But motherfuckers like them never think of it that way. Instead they just find a way to say more shit. It's just typical desi-aunty shit, you know what I mean? And unfortunately it's that whole society thing."

"What do you mean?"

"You know, the typical what will society say? Or what will society think? What will Mrs. Whatever on blah-blah street think and say? You know, that kind of garbage."

"Oh right, that," Arnav nodded. "Yeah, I've had some experience with that."

"Exactly," I shrugged. "Does it drive me mad? Absolutely! But do I also know that the reason why my mother behaves this way? Sure, and that's simply because her elders did the same and taught her these things. The pattern will only continue unless you decide to break from it, so here I am."

Arnav nodded with acknowledgement. "How right you are," he said absentmindedly, then looked back at me. "I'm assuming you and her don't see eye to eye in situations? Like our marriage for example."

"Yeah... no offense, of course."

"None taken," he smiled lightly.

I can't help but to shrug. "The thought of getting married again never crossed my mind. As for my mother however, that's all she could think about. Their old generation likes to think that you can't be happy unless you have a family of your own. And after everything that happened to me, my mother was desperate to find me another person, believing that the real Prince Charming was out there somewhere, along with my happily ever after," I sighed.

"Hmm.... Would you say that your relationship with her is strained? Have you ever considered maybe going to therapy with her?"

Immediately, I shake my head. "I don't believe in therapy."

Arnav's brows slightly shoot up as his eyes slightly widen. "Oh-"

"I tried a group therapy thing before... it was like a nightmare."

"Group therapy?"

"Yeah.... After what happened to me, therapy was advised to me. Several therapists were referred, as well as group therapy. I didn't exactly feel comfortable talking about it alone with someone so... so I thought I'd try the group thing. ...Boy was that a mistake."

"What happened," Arnav asked softly.

"I never joined them. They were all sitting in a circle - victims of rape or attempted rape, as well as the therapist. When I went in, someone was sharing her story and I...."

My hands bunched up into fists as the memory replayed in my head. I can picture the crappy-lit room with yucky green walls and tacky brown tiles, all of the people seated in school chairs in a circle, all looking miserable.

"Khushi?"

"Huh?"

I snapped out of my thoughts to see Arnav looking concerned.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, I.... I couldn't do it."

"Khushi-"

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't go into that room and listen to what happened to other people. I couldn't go in there knowing that I would have to share what happened to me... not again. Telling the cops was one thing, the monster had to be put in prison for what he fucking did and almost did to me, but to tell it again, I... I couldn't do it, I just... I couldn't- I can't-"

My heart starts to thud in my ears as I start to breathe heavily. But immediately, I get distracted, Arnav moving in front and taking a hold of my hand.

"Khushi? Look at me."

My eyes darted to his.

"It's okay. It's okay if you couldn't, it's okay."

"But I-"

"It's okay," he nodded, reassuring me.

My heart starts to calm down, and without a thought, I threw my arms around Arnav, hugging him. "I couldn't do it," I murmured.

"And that's okay, it's completely okay," he said softly.

My hold around his waist tightened. "It is?"

"It is," he affirmed, and he caressed my head with one hand, while wrapping the other around my waist. 

And I believe him.