Warrior - Chapter Sixty Nine

When I woke up the following morning, the first thing I registered was the smell of Arnav.

Wait, he's back?

My eyes instantly shot open, only to find my face buried in Arnav's pillow.

Well fuck- what the fuck?!

Springing up, I tossed the pillow away from me. However, as I looked at it, the memories of last night filled my mind, reminding me of what had happened. I looked to my left, seeing the empty mug of cocoa, which I had forced myself to finish before going back to sleep because I didn't want to waste it.

But not only did I think of the events from last night, but of everything from the day before.

Throughout the whole day, I did my best to - in some sort - isolate myself from everyone else. By addressing Arnav and- by addressing Arnav Singh Raizada and his family by their whole names, I....

It wasn't something that I really noticed before. But when I realized yesterday that I didn't do it with Akash and NK, as well as why I didn't do it, that was when the realization dawned upon me. And as I'm thinking about it now, the reason is starting to become clear to me-

A knock came from the door. "Khushi? Dove, are you awake? It's almost one o'clock."

What the fuck?

Turning to the alarm clock, I see that mama in-law is right, the red lights displaying that it was 12:48 PM.

Oh shit! I can't even remember that last time I slept in this late!

Another knock came at the door. "Dove?"

Getting up, I opened the door to find a concerned Shalini Singh Raizada. "Sorry, I just woke up like 2 minutes ago."

"Are you alright, are you sick," and she put her hand against my forehead.

I looked up at her hand, going almost cross-eyed, and then looked at her. "I'm fine, I just wanted to sleep in."

"Oh, you're working yourself too hard, aren't you? Chote once mentioned your website project, but please don't exhaust yourself dove."

I simply pinched my lips together and nodded.

"Are you hungry? I'll have your breakfast brought up-"

"Oh, no, that's fine. Lunchtime is right around the corner anyways."

"Nonsense-"

"No, really, I mean it; I can wait."

I can still feel the chocolatey goodness that's filled my stomach.

"Mmm, but-"

"No really, Sh- I'll be fine."

Shit! Did I almost call her by her name? To her face?!

Shalini pinched her lips together and nodded. "If you insist- but don't be late for lunch, I want to see you before anyone else at the table."

I only nodded in return, and then she left. Once she was gone, I shut the door and locked it.

Crap! I nearly called her by her name! To her face! ...though I must admit, I'm surprised it's taken me this long. After all, I've been married to her son- oh shit it'll be two months in like four days!

Time sure is flying....

And yet, I continue to treat these people in the way that I do - or at least try to.

Sigh... I need to clear my head.

Deciding on taking a long shower, I headed into the closet, set some clothes out, then went into the bathroom. I tossed the clothes I was wearing into the hamper, then walked into the shower. As the water poured down on me, I tried to clear my mind and relax, but it was pretty hard to do so. I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday, especially last night, nor of what just happened moments ago.

In some ways, I do feel bad that I address Shalini Singh Raizada in the way that I do. I mean her actions just now? Just moments ago? She's always so sweet and loving to me.

And yet I treat her in such a way... well it's not like I'm evil to her, don't get me wrong. She's the only one in this pool of aunties that actually supports me, unlike the rest of these cunts.

Yeah, I called them that, bite me bitch! It's not like I'm wrong, after all.

But Shalini's not like them... no, mama in-law is different than them. Heck, the whole Raizada family is different than the rest of this town. None of them scowl at me, nor look at me with a wrinkled nose or malicious intent to ridicule me. No, none of them are like that - not the men, not their wives, nor their boys... none of them.

Then why can't I accept them? Why can't I welcome them? Get close to them?

In some ways, it feels like that addressing them by their full names keeps this... formality, so to say. It keeps them as people I know, but from a distance, if that makes sense. It's as if it keeps away an attachment, preventing a bond from happening.

But I guess knowing me, it's no surprise then.

After what happened in my first marriage, am I wrong for being so guarded? I thought I learned to know those people, I thought I had figured them out. And yet, four months in, and look at that! I almost get raped and his family supported him and tried to make it off like it was argument or something. I didn't think his family would do that, I didn't think they would lie - and yet they did! So am I wrong for being so doubtful? For keeping my guard up? For keeping my walls up? For... for preventing myself from getting anymore heartache?

...even though Shyam and I had no relationship of the sort, nor any bond in that time, I had grown somewhat close to his family. His mother and father had always been kind to me, even loving. His brother was like a brother to me and his bhabi was like a sister to me. And yet despite all that - despite the fact that they accepted me to be one of their own, they turned on me. They chose to call me as a liar, as a dramatic - basically their family innocent, while I, the outsider, the problem.

So again I ask, am I wrong for having my guard up? For taking cautionary measures to prevent myself from getting hurt again?

Because let me tell you - if for some reason even if I do decide to accept these Raizada's, if they ever hurt me the way those people did? 

I will probably have to be locked up for life because it will be that bad- nay! Horrible.

Wasn't I supposed to clear my head out and relax? So much for that I guess....

Looking around, I tried to find something that could distract me from my thoughts, but my eyes chose to focus on the shower door. Although my mind had cleared out, it quickly filled with the memories of the night of my last episode. For a moment, it felt like it was playing out before my eyes, like an out-of-body experience. I could see the way I had my hands up against the shower, lined up to Arnav's as he had his placed on the door, as well as the way our foreheads aligned.

Fuck, why am I thinking of this? And wasn't I trying to go back to referring Arnav as Arnav Singh Raizada instead? What the fuck, bruh?!

Then again, that clearly went out the window when I spoke to him last night. Not once did I even think to correct myself when we were talking last night. Of course, I wouldn't have directly called him that, but still....

Why is this-? Let me not even bother! 

THIS IS TOO FUCKING HARD!!!

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to have good time tonight. I need to have a good ass fucking time tonight! Fuck it, I just might even get drunk tonight, let's fucking go! I need me a good fucking night! I'm gonna put me on a badass fucking dress, looking sexy as fucking hell, dance the little ass my mama gave me, and have that alcohol flowing like what!

Fucking!!

EVER!!!