Warrior - Chapter Eighty Eight

Unfortunately and fortunately, my time with Dr. Leela came to an end and she had another patient waiting. So she scheduled another appointment with me, and I'd be seeing her again tomorrow after work.

I must admit, I felt slightly shaken from my own words and emotions. All this time, I've been doing nothing but toughening myself up because I didn't want to hear the constant ridicules from society, simply because of my divorce. I didn't want to hear the trash talk because I had sent my ex to prison even though he had sexually assaulted me. I didn't want to hear the taunts and teases that people spoke towards me and my family, and I never wanted to be taken advantage of again, so I had strengthened myself up.

But the reality of it all is that behind the rough and tough exterior, I was nothing more than that scared woman who was cowering in the bathtub, scared for her life. No matter how much armor I placed over myself, I was still that girl who was so terrified, that she fainted and had to get rescued by the cops after they broke the door down.

I'm no warrior.

The voice was right - I'm an insecure coward.

When I got back later that day, my mood was a complete bust. As soon as Shalini Singh Raizada saw me walk through the door, she knew something was wrong. It's funny, Amma is pretty much the same, but that's mothers for you, I guess. I simply told her that I was too exhausted and wanted to sleep so she let me be, but let me know that she'd send up some soup for me later.

Heading upstairs and going into the room, once again I spotted Arnav sitting in a chair, on his laptop with headphones covering his ears. For whatever bizarre reason, I pictured myself going up to him and wrapping my arms around him, hugging him from behind, and apologizing to him. Even though I was only picturing it, I slightly felt it in my being. 

Oh sure! Now you wanna hug him! Couldn't you have done that after he revealed that masterpiece of a tattoo?

Glancing down at his arm, I couldn't see all of it since my view was blocked by the chair from the angle I'm at.

At the very least, you could've not been a bitch to him!

I felt my heart thud in my chest and I didn't like the feeling at all. Over all of it, I quietly went into the closet. Since I had my therapy session with the doc, I showered prior to going back at the academy so that I wasn't a stinking sweaty mess at my session. So I simply changed and washed up, wearing fuzzy peach shorts with a matching fuzzy peach tank top, and stepped back into the room.

Arnav was nowhere in sight.

Not even his laptop or headphones were on the table which means he took them with him.

Someone's definitely upset with you. That's twice he's left after you've entered the room.

I took in a deep, shuddering breath, my eyes still on the spot where he was just sitting.

Ouch!

I deserve it. Given the way I behaved towards him, I deserve it. I was rude to him when he's been nothing but kind to me, I deserve it! I deserve to be treated this way because there's only so much he can take, right? I'm the asshole, I deserve to be punished, I'm the bad guy! I'm bad to him, I'm bad to his family- heck, I'm bad to my own family! All the aunties in town see me as the bad guy, so yeah, I deserve all of this! I deserve to have Arnav mad at me after I blew up in his face when he was nothing but nice and concerned of my feelings.

I. Deserve. It!

Tears streamed down my cheeks, though I have no idea when they even started pouring in the first place. All I know was that I was pulling out a sheet - the very same bedsheet that was on the bed when I had my drunken incident, laid it on the floor, grabbed my pillow, turned off the lights, and I put my pillow on the floor and laid on it. I pulled a light duvet over me since I felt slightly chilly from the AC, and faded into sleep, my last thought being that I deserved it.

*~*

"Khushi? Khushi, wake up."

Huh?

Rubbing at my eyes a little, I tried to open them, but it was nothing more than a squint. At first I couldn't tell what I was looking at, so I rubbed at my eyes again, only to then see Shalini Singh Raizada, looking concerned.

"I brought soup for you," she said softly.

What-? Oh right, she mentioned that before.

Although my body was fighting against me, I got up anyways. Shalini Singh Raizada stepped back as I got up, but when I looked at her, I saw that her eyes were on my makeshift bed.

Shit! "I-"

"Why are you sleeping on the floor," she asked, turning her concerned gaze to me.

I started to rub my arm with my other hand. "Because I want to; it's good for your back."

Seeing her pinch her lips and tilt her head was more than enough proof that she didn't buy my bullshit.

"I'm gonna go wash up," and I walked away to do just that.

When I came back into the room, I found Shalini sitting in the chair besides the one Arnav had been sitting in earlier, running a spoon through the soup-filled bowl to help cool it a little. I made way around and sat down in the chair Arnav was seated in before.

"Here, hopefully it's cooled down a bit," she smiled softly as she moved the tray closer to me.

Picking up the spoon, I took a small bit of soup into it and took a sip after blowing at it. "It's good, still a little hot," so I put the spoon aside and waited for the soup to cool down a bit more. "Chicken noodle soup, hmm?"

"Chote used to love it as a child, so naturally I had to learn instead of buying all those cans of processed soup all the time," she chuckled lightly.

My eyes slightly widened and I glanced at the bowl in front of me before looking back at her. "You made this?"

Shalini Singh Raizada nodded. "Mm hmm."

"S-surely everyone else is having some downstairs, right?"

"Oh no, this is just for you."

I forced myself from letting my eyes widen even more.

"You looked so exhausted when you walked in, so I quickly made you some soup. At first I thought you were sick but after finding you asleep on the floor..."

I looked away from her gaze and focused on the soup, swirling my spoon in it.

"...I think it's something else."

I didn't say anything, simply blowing on the spoonful of soup before putting it in my mouth.

"Is everything alright," she asked softly.

I didn't answer, focusing on another spoonful of soup.

"Did you and Chote fight?"

My hand slightly stuttered as I went to place the spoon in my mouth, which was no doubt caught by her. "No," I quickly said.

She didn't say anything else, simply looking at me.

"I don't want to talk about," I nearly whispered.

"I-"

"Just- just know that I am at fault here, Arnav didn't do anything... he could never," I almost whispered in the end.

Shalini Singh Raizada pursed her lips together, giving a small nod as she hummed. "I see.... Well, I expect you to finish that."

"I will."

She smiled at me softly and stood up, then came to my side and hugged me, wrapping my head in her arm, patting the back of my head. For a brief moment, I wanted her to hold me that way because it reminded me of how Amma would hold me, but I held my tongue and I stopped myself from placing my hand on her arm. She pulled back and began to walk away, when something clicked in my head.

"Don't tell Arnav," I said really quickly, the words spilling out of my mouth.

She turned back and looked at me with a small frown.

"Don't tell him that I'm sleeping on the floor."

She opened her mouth to say something, but then stopped as she looked up in thought, before opening her mouth again. "He hasn't been up here all night."

It wasn't a question but I nodded anyways. "No," I nearly whispered. "He had some important work stuff he needed to focus on so he wanted to work in quiet with no distractions," I quickly lied.

I don't know why I did it, but looking at her, I couldn't tell if she bought it. All she did was quietly nod in return and turned to leave again.

However I called out to her again. "Mama!"

Shalini instantly looked back at me, her shock obvious, which I'm sure was reflected in my expression.

"T-thanks for the soup... it's really good," I said lowly.

"Not a problem at all."

"Um... you're not going to say anything to Arnav... right?"

She should her head. "I won't."

"...promise?"

"Promise," she nodded.

I nodded in return, looking down at my soup. "Thank you, mama in-law."

She smiled at me in return, then left.

As I had more of my soup, my mind is echoing the fact that I actually called her mama. Sure, I called her mama in-law after but... I don't know. Maybe its because I was thinking of Amma when she hugged me in that way. ...or maybe it's because she been nothing but a kind mother to me, ever since the beginning.

Fucking hell....

Looking around, I found my phone and made a quick call to Amma.

"Khushi! Where have you been? No call, no text! I understand that you're a busy woman, but you can't find time to call your own mother? Forgot your Amma so quickly now that you have such an amazing mother in-law, huh?"

Gosh, she'll never change. "Hello to you, too."

"Hmm, to what do I owe you this pleasure?"

"Nothing just... I just wanted to hear your voice," and for whatever reason, tears prickled in my eyes, some of it flowing free.

Amma must've picked it up in my voice. "Oh sweetie... I miss you, too."

"I miss you so much," and my voice cracked.

Damn it!

"Oh Khushi... is something wrong? Why are you crying?"

I clenched my jaw together, trying hard to control my emotions. "I don't know," I eventually said.

"Did Arnav-?"

"He didn't do anything, he never does... no one ever does." But me, I wanted to add in.

Amma didn't say anything.

"Um... can I come over? Tomorrow? I don't think I'm going to go into work."

"Of course you can! You never have to ask! It doesn't matter whether you're married or not, this will always be your home!"

"Thanks Amma."

"Of course, just... just tell me one thing."

"What?"

"Are you okay?"

I felt my throat swell up as more tears began to flow. "No," and a sob escaped from my lips. "And it's all my fault!"

Amma remained quiet for a moment. "Do you want to talk about it," she asked softly.

"No," I sniffled. "It's also been kind of a shitty day."

"I'll ignore your crass language simply because you're upset," and her comment made me chuckle a bit. "What are you doing right now?"

"Having soup that mama in-law made for me."

"That was kind of her."

"She always is."

Neither of us said anything for a moment, when something clicked in my head. 

"Promise me you won't call her and talk to her about me."

"Khushi-"

"Promise me, Amma. Swear to me that you won't."

"How can I-?"

"Please, I'm begging you."

She let out a small sigh. "How can I go against you when you put it like that," and I hear a slight quiver in her voice, no doubt because she was getting a bit emotional.

"Good, don't. I had to make her promise not to say anything, either."

"Anything to who?"

"...to Arnav."

Amma didn't say anything for a moment. "Khushi, what happened?"

"I'll tell you tomorrow, I don't want to talk about it. Right now... I just wanted to hear your voice," and I felt my throat swell once more.

Amma let out a small sigh. "What would you like to talk about?"

"Anything. Tell me about your day."

She did as I asked, talking away about the events of her day, and I put my phone on speakerphone and set it down, and listened to Amma's tale as I had Mama in-law's homemade chicken noodle soup.

And after the tornado of emotions today, this is exactly what I needed.