Warrior - Chapter Ninety One

After making a quick stop to the famous bakery to pick up some cannolis, I made my way to my parents house. When I pulled up, Gomez opened the door as Harry came up to me. He took the car from me to park it and I went over to Gomez.

"Long time no see, old timer," I grinned as I hugged the old man.

"Welcome back," he smiled.

We walked into the house, which oddly, was quiet.

"Where is everyone," I asked.

"Well your father went to a meeting and he took Payal along with him."

The meeting, I knew about, but taking squirt? Good job, Babuji.

"Your mother, on the other hand, is still busy preparing brunch out back."

"Ay vey, she's losing her marbles again."

The old man chuckled beside me. "She just misses you."

"Hmm, better not make that last any longer."

I started to head to the back door, when I remembered something. "Gomez?"

"Yes, Miss Khushi?"

"I know that you told Arnav about the hot cocoa thing; thank you."

The man pursed his lips for a moment, glancing down. "It only seemed like the right thing to do."

"I know," I smiled at him softly. "I really appreciate it."

He smiled at me in return, then headed back to work. I made my way to the backyard, finding Amma preparing the very same table that me and my family, as well as Arnav and his family, sat around all those months back.

Boy, time sure has flied by since then.

"Khushi!"

Snapping out of my thoughts, I looked up to see Amma beaming at me, holding her arms out. Going to her, I hugged her, and she gave me a tight squeeze in return.

"My beautiful girl," and she pulled back, looking me up and down."Why are you wearing something so short?"

And so we begin. "Amma, please," I scoffed with a roll of my eyes.

"Khushi, I'm serious. What if your in-laws-?"

"They're not like that and you know it."

"Oh, okay, fine! It's still short though."

"Of course it is, it's a romper," I rolled my eyes as I took a seat and put down the box of cannolis.

The very same seat Arnav occupied all those months ago.

What a circle we've gone through.

Oh buddy, have we!

Looking at the spread in front of me, I picked up a grape from the charcuterie board.

Amma let out a sigh and sat down as well. "Well, it is hot."

"Exactly, so stop worrying over it."

"Well... can I stop worrying about the other thing as well?"

I was spreading some cheese over a cracker and briefly paused before resuming. "Yes

"Are you sure?"

I looked up at her as I leaned back in my seat. "What does it look like?"

"Well... I mean you sound better than you did last night, not to mention look better than I expected you to..."

Uh, what's that supposed to me?

"...so I guess... I guess it would appear that things are alright."

"They are."

"Did you talk to him?"

"I did," I nodded.

"And are things better now?"

"They... they are," I nodded.

"Will you at least tell me now what happened?"

"Well... now that I'm thinking of how to tell you what happened... I don't know, it feels dumb."

"Try."

"Um... a few days ago, I had been... somewhat of a bitch to Arnav."

"Khushi," she scolded.

"What? There's no other way to describe it, that's exactly what I was to him! After how he's been nothing but kind to me, I was a total bitch to him. In my defense I was quite taken aback by the fact that my face was inked on his arm but still-"

"Excuse me, what did you say," Amma gaped.

"Right, you haven't seen it; Arnav got a new tattoo while he was away, and it turned out to be a portrait of me in a valkyrie's helmet on his right arm."

Amma's jaw unhinged itself, the woman gaping like a fish out of water.

"Yeah, I was pretty much like you are right now, but amplified because I bitched out at him- which I admit was very wrong of me."

"Uh... er," and she cleared her throat, trying to come back to reality. "I... uh... I mean... I don't know what to say."

"I was the same... until my  mind decided to lash out at him unnecessarily."

"You handled the shock wrongly."

"Basically...."

"But... I think I can understand why you reacted in the way that you did? Or at least I'm trying to.... However, there's something I wish to ask you, and I hope you'll be honest."

Huh? "Um... sure."

Amma cleared her throat once more and went to pour herself some orange juice. "It's just... given what you said- this news, if you will...." 

She leaned back and a took a quick gulp of her drink, and judging by the looks of it, I have an idea where this is going.

Amma let out another sigh and looked at me. "Do you and Arnav have a relationship of that of a husband's and wife's?"

Bingo! "I mean we did our seven pheras and I know I don't wear sindoor like the traditional married woman, but my wedding band does the talking, wouldn't you say," and I held out my left hand out to her, having an innocent expression on my face.

She let out a huff of annoyance, making my lips curve up into a devilish smirk.

"You know that's not what I mean," she exclaimed.

"Come now, Amma, you know one doesn't need to be married to have sex."

Amma scowled at me in return. "Answer the question."

"But I did," I innocently replied.

"Oh-! Always so difficult," she muttered, making me laugh.

You have to admit, it's quite hysterical how my married mother of two daughters blushes and fusses over the topic of sex like she's thirteen.

Amma let out a groan of frustration. "Do you and Arnav have a physical relationship?"

"See, that wasn't so hard," I chuckled, but she only scowled at me. "The answer to your question is no," and I picked up another grape, popping it into my mouth.

"I had a feeling," she said, though it looked like she was saying it more to herself.

I watched her for a moment as her eyes darted around. "Does that bother you," I genuinely asked.

Amma pursed her lips together. "The honest answer? In some ways, yes."

I simply nodded in return and picked up my orange juice.

Gosh, I wish this was a fucking mimosa instead - especially if Amma's going to be talking about mine and Arnav's nonexistent sex life!

"It's just... I want you to be happy," Amma nearly whispered, and she looked like she was about to explode in tears.

"Amma-"

"I mean it - I want for you to be happy, I-I want for you to experience love, I...."

Please don't cry, I don't need that right now - especially after how things have turned positive after all the negative.

Getting up, I went over to her side and knelt down before her, taking her hands in mine as Amma looked at me with tears in her eyes.

"Who told you I'm unhappy," I asked. "Do I look unhappy to you?"

"You wouldn't even show it if you were," she pointed out.

How right she is. "Well, if I were unhappy, I would've created one hell of a shit storm at this point."

"Khushi," she frowned.

There she is. "My point is that if something were wrong, your daughter would've done something about it. Do I look like I'm someone who would be quiet about things if someone or something irked me?"

"That you do not; sometimes it amazes me that you're married again and that your vocalness is so beloved, especially by Shaliniji," she frowned as she looked away in thought.

I couldn't help but to roll my eyes. "Mama's just smart, of course she-"

My eyes slightly widened as it clicked in my head that I had called Shalini mama again, not even mama in-law. Even Amma looked at me with some surprise.

I cleared my throat. "Of course she knows who I am, so it's no surprise," and I pinched my lips together to form a smile, then got up and returned to my seat.

"Does she love you," Amma asked.

I reached into the box of cannolis, taking one out. "She does, very much. So do the others."

Amma nodded as she glanced away. "That makes me happy to hear. If only Arnav did as well."

My hand slightly faltered as I went to put the sweet delicacy into my mouth.

"Unless he already does?"

Fuck! "Uh-"

"Khushi-"

"I don't want to talk about it," I quickly said.

"But-"

"Amma, so help me, but if you don't drop this right now, I'm leaving."

"Khushi-"

"Right. Now."

Amma clenched her jaw, frowning at me. "If not to me, then please talk to someone else about this - for your sake."

Little does she know.... "Fine."

And she let it be.

*~*

After leaving my parents' place, I made my way to Dr. Leela's, and once we were both settled and seated, she spoke first.

"You seem to be in better mood today."

I let out a sigh as I rubbed my hands together. "You could say that. After yesterday's session... geez, I felt like shit, I... I felt a little miserable."

"The last thing you said before you left yesterday was that if you were to get hurt again, that you'd break and that it would be the end of you."

"Ain't that the harsh cold truth," I slightly huffed. "It left me feeling like shit later. When I got back, all I could do was think negatively of myself, how I'm an insecure coward, how I deserve all the crap that I was getting, how... how I'm no warrior."

"And then?"

"Then... then I felt even shittier, especially because Arnav quietly left the room after I came in. I come into the room, he's there; I come out of the shower, poof! Gone...."

"And that upset you?"

I pinched my lips together. "All I could think was that I deserved it. I was rude to him, I deserved the cold shoulder - it's karma if anything. Then I grabbed a bedsheet and my pillow and slept on the floor."

Dr. Leela pinched her lips together. "I see."

"I didn't get to sleep for long, however; my mother in-law came upstairs and gave me some soup that she had made from scratch just for me."

"That's very kind of her. What a motherly gesture."

"No kidding," I scoffed lightly. "She even hugged me the way my Amma does... and for the first time ever, I called her mama."

"Oh? What do you usually call her."

"To her face, mama in-law, but in my thoughts, I call her by her full name, Shalini Singh Raizada."

"Has this always been the case?"

"Since the day I met her, really. I often called her by her full name in the beginning - again, mentally. In between, there have been moments where I only referred to her as just Shalini but... but then I would shift back."

Dr. Leela made some notes on her notepad. "Can you tell me about the relationship between you two. In fact, tell me how it's been between you two since the day you first met, up until now."

I tried in the best of my ability to recall the events that had happened between me and her, and Dr. Leela took a few notes as I told her the tale.

"Hmm... it would seem that any time you tried to push her away, you would revert back to mentally referring to her by your mother in-law's full name," she said as she looked at her notes, before looking back up at me. "I wonder; do you do the same thing with your other in-laws?"

My eyes slightly widened.

"I think that means yes."

I looked away, glancing down to the side.

"This is just my assumption, but I would guess that the reason why you do that is because by referring to them by their full names, it keeps a distance between you and them - almost like they're foreign to you, like strangers."

I couldn't help but to purse my lips.

"It prevents them from getting close to you and vice-versa."

I let out a sigh and looked at her. "You're hitting the nails right on my head, doc!"

She pinched her lips together. "That being the case, it looks like you've allowed one person close to you - very close to you."

I briefly glanced away, then leaned back into my seat. "I guess," I said lowly. "In the moment... I don't know, she just reminded me of Amma so much, that I.... I couldn't help it."

"From what you've told me, it sounds like she really loves you and cherishes you; thinks of you as her own daughter rather than just being a daughter in-law."

"She does," I nodded. "She does think of me as her daughter and not just her daughter in-law. ...and I haven't been much of a daughter to her, not really."

"How does that make you feel?"

"I... in some ways, I do feel bad - she deserves better than what I give her."

"And in other ways?

I let out another sigh. "In other ways- and this is going to sound so bad of me to say but... in other ways, I could care less. I could care less about how she feels, or how any of them feels because I'm guarding myself. By focusing on me and only myself, I can make sure that I don't get hurt."

"While hurting them in return."

My eyes quickly snapped up to hers, widening slightly.

"By ignoring them and outcasting them, especially given how much they all love you, they're only getting hurt when you shun them. It is true that you have to right to choose who you want to let in and be close to you and who you keep out. But by not giving them any chance at all, they are only getting hurt.

"Don't get me wrong Khushi, by no means am I trying to guilt you, that most certainly is not the case. I'm just trying to bring that awareness to you."

As I glanced down, last night played through my mind, the moments with Arnav to be specific. "No, you're right."

Dr. Leela tilted her head with a small frown.

"You're totally right. I did that with Arnav and I.... After I lashed out at him, I focused on myself at first, and eventually noticed Arnav when I saw the way he was behaving towards me. Because I was so busy guarding myself, I... I didn't notice that I had hurt Arnav... until he was hurting me."

My eyes slightly widened as the words left my mouth and echoed in my ears.

"Is that why you chose to sleep on the floor," she asked. "Asides from feeling down after yesterday's session, is the other reason why you chose to sleep on the floor because you didn't like that Arnav was upset with you?"

I felt tears starting to form and sting my eyes. "I deserved it."

"Khushi-"

"No, I did. I deserved it given how rude I was, it was only right that I slept on the floor. Why would he want me sleeping besides him?"

Dr. Leela let out a small sigh. "I think you know that answer to that, Khushi," she smiled at me sadly.

I bit down on my lower lip to prevent it from trembling.

"Did Arnav say anything about you sleeping on the floor?"

"Oh boy, did he," I scoffed. "He wasn't having it! At all! ...eventually he carried me to bed because I was too exhausted."

"That's sweet of him."

"I didn't want him sleeping on the floor because of me. He also said he wouldn't carry me unless I consented."

"Consent is very important and it makes me happy that your new husband understands this."

Looking at Dr. Leela, I could already tell she approved of Arnav now, especially given after everything with him.

"He understands it a lot, actually," I continued. "When I had my last episode and Arnav took care of me, even though I was in this... haze of sorts, I knew what was happening around me- at least, some part of me did. Anytime he was going to do something, whether it was to pick me up or change my clothes, he would always ask me first."

"I'm sorry, change your clothes?"

I gave a brief recap of that night to Dr. Leela, which was easy since I only remembered so much of it. 

"Wow... I must say he truly is a gentleman," Dr. Leela eventually said.

"He really is... and I was such an ass to him."

'Have you apologized to him?"

"I did and... and I asked him to hold me last night. After he put me down in bed and joined me, we spoke for a bit. I felt so shitty for behaving the way that I did towards him and... fuck! I mean ever since starting therapy, my emotions just-! I mean I thought I was going to burst into tears so I turned away, I told him how I deserved to be treated the way he was treating me, but I didn't understand how he could love someone like me-"

"Someone like who?"

"Someone who is terrified to love him back!"

"But do you love him?"

"I-!"

My eyes widened as I simply stared at her.

"I need you to be honest, Khushi - I need you to be honest with yourself. Take everything away - the past, your pain, your hurt, your fears, your trauma - everything! Do you love him?"

"I... I have to go, I need to practice-"

"Khushi-"

"I'm late, I'll barely get any practice in today," and I grabbed my stuff and left.