Warrior - Chapter Eighty Four

Now that I think about it, this is the second place today that I didn't think I'd have to come back to.

As I looked around the room, I noted the posh gray and white look it had. Even though it's been a few years, nothing has changed at all. Not the color scheme, not the lighting, not the couch I'm sitting on, nor the coffee table in front of me, and most definitely not the chair in front of me with the aging brunette sitting on it.

I can't believe I'm here again.

"It's been quite a while," the woman smiled softly.

It would've been a while more if Ivy hadn't been able to quickly make the appointment for me.

"That it has been," I sighed, glancing around the room. "Things been treating you well, Dr. Leela?"

"Yes, they have," she nodded. "What about you? I heard you got married again, congratulations."

I eyed the doctor down, looking her up and down. "Thanks. Also, thanks for suggesting the group therapy! It was very triggering," and I gave a fake smile.

Dr. Leela pursed her lips, glancing down. "Khushi, I did warn you that could happen," she said softly.

Rolling my eyes, I looked away.

"I'm sorry that it did. I just let all of my patients with similar cases know about it; it has helped others in the past."

I couldn't help but to snort. "Others? Like who," I scoffed.

Dr. Leela tilted her head. "You know I can't expose doctor-patient confidentiality."

I let out another scoff and leaned back, crossing my legs.

"You seem to be agitated; everything alright?"

"Dandy," I said sarcastically.

Dr. Leela only looked at me and I let out a sigh.

"Alright! ...I'm a little on edge."

"Must be something big given that I haven't seen you in two years."

I glanced up at her before looking away, rubbing my hands together. "I guess you could say that," I said, my voice low.

Dr. Leela didn't say anything, waiting on me. 

Letting out another sigh, I ran my hands over my face. "I feel like I'm going to lose my shit!"

"And why is that?"

"Because my mind is full of nonstop questions, and all these thoughts that just ramble away in my head!"

"About?"

"About-! ...about Arnav."

"You mean your new husband?"

"...yeah," and I pinched my lips together.

"What are the kinds of questions and thoughts that you have about him?"

"I don't know.... There's just so many that I can't even think of one."

"Try."

I let out a heavy sigh. "I... I find myself asking myself why he cares so much. I mean, he's been very nice and very supportive from the start. Like when I told him that he would have to experience me going through episodes, he said that he would be there for me and would take care of me."

"And has he?"

"...more than I ever expected he could- or anyone for that matter. In the past, Gomez - my old butler at my parents house - was the one who would take care of me, here and there. Gomez used to make me hot cocoa during those times.... He wisely even let Arnav in on this secret, and the last time I had a nightmare, he had some ready for me."

"That's very nice of him."

"Yeah.... He even kept it at eye level so that the second you turned the lights on, it's right in front of you. ...I didn't think anyone could ever go as far as to do that much- then again, he's actually gone farther than that."

"What do you mean?"

I told Dr. Leela about how Arnav had gone away for his trip and how after being away for two and a half weeks, he returned with a tattoo of me as a valkyrie on his fucking arm!

"Wow, that's quite the tribute," Dr. Leela nodded. "But does it bother you?"

I glanced up at her.

"You said that Arnav asked if you were angry or mad about it - are you?"

The image of Arnav's nervous expression when he had revealed the tattoo to me, filled my mind. The image of his tattoo also filled my mind, the intricate artwork clear as if I were actually looking at it.

"No," I finally said. "I mean he spent like 8 hours or so to get that done, and it's beautiful."

"Maybe, but that shouldn't be the reason for you to be okay with it."

True.

"Arnav is an adult who can decide what he wants to do to his body, and hopefully they're never anything that can harm him. That aside, it's his choice if he wants to get tattoos, as well as what kind of tattoos he'd like to get. But just because he liked a certain artwork, that doesn't mean that you have to as well, whether it took him 10 minutes to get it done, or 8 hours."

I pinched my lips together.

"So I ask again, Khushi - does it bother you that he got this tattoo? Does it anger you?"

For whatever reason, I felt my throat start to close as tears swelled in my eyes. I tried to hold it in, trying to make it go away, but fucking hell, it didn't want to.

"Take your time," Dr. Leela said softly.

Reaching forward, I picked up a glass of water that Dr. Leela had poured prior to when we started, and gulped it down. It helped to ease my throat a little, as well as contain my tears. Setting the glass back down, I took in a few deep breaths to calm myself. Once my breath was regained, I let out a sigh.

"I... it... it doesn't anger me that Arnav got a ginormous tattoo with my face on it - and I'm not saying that because it's beautiful, I genuinely am not angered by it at all."

"But...."

Of course the therapist knew a but was coming up. "But... but it does bother me."

"And why is that?"

Again, I felt tears pooling in my eyes, and I forced myself to keep them at my bay. "Fucking hell, I don't understand why I'm getting emotional over this shit! Like it's a fucking tattoo! He's the one that got it, it could've pained him if anything, it's not like I got hurt by it!"

Dr. Leela didn't say anything, and I drank some more water, holding onto the glass.

"It's just... I mean Arnav has a variety of tattoos on his body, and I mean a variety! It starts on his left hand and goes all the way up, across his chest, and now down to his right bicep, which is mostly covered with my face! I just... I mean one of his tattoos is an image of Anubis, the Ancient Egyptian God of Death. He got that one mainly to taunt his dick-of-a-grandfather who was an absolute piece of shit to his family!"

"You feel quite strongly towards this man."

"Yeah! Strongly with hate! I mean what kind of person has a stick so far up their ass that just because their son got married to the woman of his own choice, he had to banish him and try to not only degrade his son, but his daughter in-law, as well as his new grandson? Like who the fuck does that? And you wouldn't let the other family members associate with them? On top of that, you enjoyed seeing society ridicule them as well? For fuck's sake, Arnav was just a child! He had to endure this shit for the first 12 years of his life! And then finally the fucking old demon allowed them back into the family, but the damage was done! The hate was already created, so fucking applauses to Arnav for getting that tattoo and pissing the old demon off! It's a good thing he got that tattoo! It was perfect for the old demon! That tattoo was totally meant for him to taunt the old demon! ...but Arnav also has another tattoo for someone - someone that he loved... his grandmother. While his grandfather was like the fucking devil, his grandmother was like an angel. Arnav loved her very much.... He got her name tattooed on his left arm, in a bed of roses that's right above the Anubis tattoo." A scoff escaped my lips. "Whether in life or on the skin of their grandson, the two are always next to each other."

"I see... but how does that relate to you?"

I looked up at the doctor. "Exactly."

Dr. Leela tilted her head with a frown.

"That's what I can't figure out. I-I mean those two held a huge significance to his life, especially his dadi. Heck, even his mother holds such high regards in his life, even his father! And yet there's no tattoo for either of them, no tribute! ...but he loves them so much... and yet, despite that, he has no tattoos in relevance to them. ...instead he got a ginormous fucking tattoo of me!"

"So it bothers you that he doesn't have tattoos signifying to his parents, but of you instead."

"I mean it doesn't make any sense, does it? He fucking loves his parents! Why not get something representing them? Why... why me?"

Dr. Leela arched her brow.

"I... why me? Why did he get a tattoo of me looking like a valkyrie? Why has he gone out of his way to get cocoa powder and have it immediately accessible in case I have an episode? Why even take care and support me after I have an episode? Why would he text and snap me so much when he was away for all those days? Why send me daily morning texts? Why... why does he care for me?"

I didn't realize when my tears had flowed free. All I knew was that I couldn't stop them, nor was I even going to try to.

Dr. Leela held out a box of tissues for me, and I took it, trying not to smudge my wakeup as I dabbed my tears away.

I took in a deep breath and let it out, trying to calm myself. "I just don't understand how he could... or why any of his family members do, for that matter."

"We all deserve to be cared for by other people," she said softly. "In this case, your husband and your in-laws care for you deeply."

I let out a sniffle and wiped my nose.

"The last time we spoke... it wasn't much long after what had happened to you," she continued.

Ain't that the truth.

"With most victims, it's quite common to question your self-worth, as well as isolate yourself from others, including loved ones. From what you're saying, it sounds like not only do your new in-laws care for you... but they love as you well."

I nodded my head from side to side. "Well... my mother in-law for sure... and... I guess so do the others."

"I understand that it can be hard to open up again. After having gone through what you have, it's understandable for you to question whether you can trust these people. After all, you did that with your ex-husband and his family as well. Unfortunately, things happened the way it did, which may have made you question if you missed any signs, or think you trusted someone you 'shouldn't' have. But keep in mind, Khushi, that you didn't do anything wrong. You put your trust in people and they wronged you - they're the ones to blame; your attacker is the one to blame. Those people are now no longer associated with you, nor in your life. You have these new people who love and care for you, cherish you. Do not punish them when they are not the ones who have hurt you."

My eyes slightly widened as I looked at her.

"It makes me happy to hear that you have such people who care so much for you, nurture you. You deserve all the happiness in the world no matter what. I know you've isolated yourself for some time now, but I hope that you will slowly start letting people in. Even if it's one by one, that's still a start. Try getting yourself involved in activities outside of work; try yoga or meditating. Perhaps you could even try picking up some old hobbies of yours."

Old hobbies?

"Try reconnecting with yourself - with your body and your feelings. Try to connect with those who care for you... who love you. You don't necessarily have to talk to them about your experiences, but that's up to you. Have fun and you will see yourself fill up with so much joy and laughter."

"I guess... I don't necessarily know about connecting with everyone like that but... I guess I could try the old hobbies thing? Actually, ironically enough, my sister, Payal, had asked me to do a dance performance. I used to dance back in the day but... it's been a while. I haven't danced ever since... yeah."

"Understandable; but as I said, try picking up some of your old hobbies - in this case, dancing. It can help you to reconnect with yourself, even help you find some joy and happiness."

"Maybe... I was never really a fan of classical dancing but... but I guess it's a start."

"Wonderful," she smiled softly.

I let out a heavy sigh. "Thanks for squeezing me in doc, I really needed this. After everything that happened yesterday, I.... When I asked Arnav why he got the tattoo... he had said that it was because he wanted to. And when I asked him why, he had said why do you think?"

"And why do you think he got the tattoo?"

My heart started thudding in my chest again, slowly pacing up as I felt the lump in my throat grow. "I... I...."

Dr. Leela waited patiently for me to finish.

"I.... I don't think I can give what he feels, in return."

"Feels what, exactly?"

 I gulped away the lump in my throat. "I don't think I can give the love that he feels for me, in return."