Warrior - Chapter Eighty Seven

You said you don't need anyone?

Fine.

Wait, what-?

Opening my eyes, I find myself in a vast field. There's absolutely nothing around me but green grass, swaying here and there as the breeze went by.

Where the fuck am I?

As soon as the thought escaped my mind, the sky above me started to darken, the blue fading away.

What-!

But it only got worse, the sky darkening even more as the wind got intense.

No-!

Thunder crackled from the sky and it began to pour immensely.

Fucking hell!

I quickly covered my head with my arms, but it hardly did a thing. And the fact that I'm in some stupid white dress didn't help either! Looking around, I tried to find a hint of anything that could protect me from the stupid rain, but I saw nothing! Even as I started to run around, there was nothing in sight, when finally, I spotted something.

Or rather someone.

"Arnav?"

The person turned around and it turned out that I was right. Arnav simply stood there, clad in a white shirt and jeans, looking at me as he held onto an umbrella.

Thank fucking goodness, I'm fucking drenched-!

Arnav turned away and began to leave.

What-? "Arnav, where are you going?"

He pause once more and looked back at me, silent.

"You can't just leave me like this, I'm soaking wet!"

The man didn't respond, simply blinking.

"Arnav, I'm going to get sick, help me out! You could at least share your umbrella with me."

Again, he remained silent, then turned away.

"Arnav-"

He's not going to help you...

My spine instantly straightened as I felt something crawl up along it.

You're all alone, just like you wanted...

With wide eyes, I looked back and saw a dark figure with beady, red eyes.

He's not going to protect you anymore...

No!

Looking back around, I see that Arnav has already started walking away.

"Arnav!"

I started to run towards him, but no matter how fast I tried to be, Arnav was walking much faster, getting farther and farther away from me, his figure becoming smaller and fainter.

"No-!"

You're mine, you cunt!

Looking back, I see the dark figure above me, ready to pounce on me.

With a loud scream, I awoke, springing up in bed. Instantly, I looked to my right and found the bed empty beside me.

What-?

My eyes immediately caught sight of the alarm clock, it reading 6:38 AM. Looking to my left, I looked out the window to see sunlight breaking through the curtains.

"Fucking hell...."

Letting out a heavy sigh, I covered my face with my hands as I brought my knees to me. My heart was still racing in my chest, so I tried to relax it, taking calming breaths.

What a nightmare... it's been a while....

Fuck! Why did Arnav have to be out now?! Why-? Then again, he's following his routine, he's usually out for his run by this time.

Letting out another sigh, I moved my hands away and simply looked forward, resting my chin on my knees.

What the fuck was that nightmare? Why did Arnav simply look at me like that? Completely quiet with a blank stare, I mean... and he left me. He just... he left... he didn't protect me.

He abandoned me.

Serves you right given how you behaved with him.

Oh, not you this early in the morning!

Am I wrong though? You were nothing but rude to him, he didn't deserve it. It's no wonder why he's giving you the cold shoulder.

He's giving me the cold shoulder?

Did he text you where he went last night?

I- well, then again, I didn't pay too much attention to my phone cause I was practicing... let me see.

Reaching over to the nightstand, I picked up my phone and checked my texts. Asides from a text from Radhika, nothing.

He didn't text me where he was? He didn't let me know where he went?

Told you so! Serves you right given the way you treated the man.

I simply stared down at my phone.

He's only human after all. How long do you expect him to be so nice when you've been nothing but an absolute mega bitch to him?

For whatever reason, my heart began to thud.

It won't surprise me if this is just the beginning. Keep up the attitude, let's see how he reacts next. Maybe you'll actually end up all alone, unprotected, abandoned-

Not wanting to hear the rest, I quickly went through my contacts and pulled up Dr. Leela's number. It rang for a few moments, when finally she picked up.

"Khushi-?"

"I need to see you. Today."

For a moment the woman stayed silent, then finally spoke up. "Fortunately my afternoon is open."

"5 o'clock?"

"I'll see you then."

Hanging up, I placed my phone down. My heart was still thudding, echoing in my ears.

I don't like this feeling. I don't fucking like it at all!

*~*

Normally I'd be shocked at myself for being at Dr. Leela's office once again, but that wasn't the case. In fact, earlier when I was at rehearsal, all I could think of was when would the clock move quick enough so that I could get the hell out of there and be here instead.

Dr. Leela sat down in front of me, holding her pen and pad as usual. "You seem to be a bit anxious. Everything alright?"

I couldn't help but to scoff. "As if! I haven't been here in two years, yet here I am twice in a week! Everything's far from alright!"

She pinched her lips together with a small nod. "True... however, you sounded a bit frantic this morning, anxious even."

"It's cause of a stupid fucking dream I had."

"Dream?"

I told the doctor about the stupid dream, the good doctor taking a few jots.

"I see.... You mentioned last time that you have episodes - can you tell me more about them?"

"There's really not much to say; I'll have a terrible nightmare - far worse than the stupid bad dream I had last night, then picture my scars, go into a frenzy, and drown myself with my tears."

Dr. Leela wrote some things down on her pad. "And is there anything in specific that triggers these episodes?"

"I'm not sure," I frowned.

"Can you tell me what happened prior to the last episode you had?"

"Uh... well, we went to a gala- my in-laws and all. Um, prior to us leaving for the event, Arnav had accidentally grazed my neck while helping me put on my necklace, which triggered me a bit."

"And how did you feel in that moment?"

"I... in all honesty, even though I hate to admit it... terrified."

"And why is that?"

"It's just... ever since that happened, I... I just don't necessarily like being touched- not even by my own family, really. But with my family, it's familiar, it's known, my body recognizes it and doesn't go into panic mode. With Arnav...."

"It's foreign," she said for me.

I nodded in return. "Despite the fact that we've shook hands, or have even hugged, or slept next to each other and moved into each other's arms, I- ...it just wasn't expected, even though I guess it should've been? I mean that stuff can happen when you go to help someone put a necklace on."

"True, it's very probable to happen. But because this isn't a touch you've ever experienced with him, your body reacted in such a way, triggering into fight or flight mode."

I shook my head from side to side with understanding. "I guess.... But, yeah, that happened, we went to the gala, came home and.... I caught sight of Arnav's phone being unlocked and Arnav had mentioned to me at the time that he had pulled up the information of what had happened between me and... him, and I... I wanted to know what he knew so I snooped through his phone. Ultimately, I ended up triggering myself. I ended up having a nightmare, which later on I couldn't even remember at all. All I knew was that... Arnav took care of me."

Dr. Leela wrote down some more things on her pad. "Any other episodes?"

"There was one pretty much immediately after Arnav and I got married. I had a terrible nightmare and thought he was sleeping besides me and got all panicked and frantic, begging Arnav to save me from him. I don't think anything like that had happened prior... well, there was a small moment where I went into panic because Arnav walked into the room and I was used to having my door locked and people knocking, so it did scare me a bit, even though I wouldn't like to admit to it. And I think there was an episode before that one as well, before I got married. I remember getting into a bad fight with my mom... I ended up falling asleep, then woke up in the middle of the night, not having changed or anything. Then I looked at my reflection in the mirror, managed to somehow trigger myself, and ended up laying on the shower floor, crying."

"I see...." Dr. Leela made a few more notes down on her pad. "Well, of the three times, it seems like you were triggered after something negative happened, though for two of them, when you did something."

Huh?

"You fought your mother, put yourself through emotional distress, and had an episode. You snuck through your husband's phone to see what information he had on your past marriage, put yourself through emotional distress, and had an episode."

I blinked at her for a moment. "Well it's not like I did that the other time."

"True, you didn't necessarily do anything negative that time, but you distressed yourself from the paranoia you felt when Arnav walked in without knocking."

Good point there.

"It seems that when you do negative things to yourself, you trigger your episodes into happening. Tell me what happened the day before."

My eyes slightly widened. "Well, uh... I woke up, got dressed, went to the Dance Academy to rehearse. When I got home, Arnav was getting ready to go somewhere - no idea where - and then he got a phone call from his assistant, so he stepped out and took it. By the time I washed up and stepped out, Arnav had his suit on and left; didn't see him for the rest of the night, nor had any fucking clue where the fuck he was, and he didn't get home till around 1."

"I see.... Based on your tone, it sounds like you were upset because you didn't know where he went."

"I mean it's a bit out of fucking character! Arnav always lets me know where he is or where he's going, even who he's with! And to suddenly just quietly go away without any words, like what the fuck is up with that?"

"Hmm... did anything else happen?"

My widened a bit more. "Well... I mean I couldn't fall asleep until he got home," I murmured.

"Anything before that, I mean."

For a moment I didn't say anything, looking to the side. "There may have been a bit of an argument."

Looking back at her, I saw that the doctor was looking at me with her head tilted.

I couldn't help but to roll my eyes. "Okay, fine! Not exactly an argument but... I may have blown up in his face a little."

Dr. Leela continued to stay quiet, waiting on me, and I let out another heavy sigh.

"I mean it's a lot, okay? Fucking a lot! I mean the fact that I can't return the love he feels for me... and I was such a bitch to him! The guy has been nothing but nice, and kind, and gentle to me since the day we met and I-! Gosh, I'm such a fucking bitch! Like such a fucking bitch! No wonder he's giving me the cold shoulder! No wonder he didn't tell me where he was nor who he was with! I deserve it!"

"It sounds like you're bothered-"

"I fucking am! Okay? I fucking am! I'm annoyed that he didn't tell me where he went, nor who he went with, or why he even fucking went in the fucking first place after not even speaking a fucking word with me, let alone glance at me!"

"Why?"

"Because I-! ...because I just fucking do."

Dr. Leela arched her brow at me but I looked away. "It sounds like you care for him."

I remained quiet.

"Really care for him."

I looked down at my hands, toying with my fingers a little. "For a while, I fought with myself over this," I said softly. "I mentally battled myself, wondering why I behaved in the way that I did, why I was so concerned over him. ...eventually I came to the same conclusion as you."

"And yet you seem upset by it."

I glanced up at her.

"You don't seem to be happy over the fact that you care for him."

Looking back down at my hand, I sighed. "I... it's just... it's hard," I nearly whispered.

"And why is that?"

"Because... because it's hard to put my faith in people."

Dr. Leela didn't say anything, waiting for me to continue.

"I.... When Arnav said to me why do you think in regards to the tattoo... I mean he said it in such a way.... I know now that he's in love with me - when it even happened, I have no fucking clue! But it's obvious now that he's in love with me, it's more than him just caring for me. And given that statement... obviously Arnav now knows that I know that he's in love with me. ...and I can't even get myself to properly care for him."

"Can't? Or won't?"

I looked up at her.

"There's a big difference," and she pinched her lips together.

"You're right," I sighed. "You're absolutely right.... There is a definite difference between the two... and I... I... I won't."

"Why?"

"Because I can't get myself to trust anyone," I said, my voice trembling a little as I slightly shuddered. "I can't get myself to open up and fully trust anyone - not him, not his family members - no one."

"Why?"

Tears began to pool in my eyes and I clenched my jaw together as I began to feel overwhelmed with feelings. I tired hard to hold it back, but it was so difficult, my body slightly shaking.

"Why can't you get yourself to trust any of them, Khushi? Why can't you get yourself to trust Arnav? To care for him? Why can't you return the love that he feels for you?"

"Because I don't want to get hurt again," and a small sob escaped from my lips. "I don't want to get hurt again, it... it fucking terrifies me! If I get hurt again... I'll break. It'll be the end of me."