Warrior - Chapter Ninety Three

By the time I got downstairs, I saw that everyone was already seated at the table, the boys already eating.

"Monsters," I heard Maira grumble.

"If it means getting cannolis first, why not," Akash said, and his mother shook her head.

"Come Khushi," Mama said as she spotted me, "hopefully we'll still have a chance."

I sat down in the empty chair beside Arnav and glanced at him from the corner of my eye, only to see him do the same. The rest of us began to fill our plates and eat, but while everyone ate in peace, my mind only continued to echo Arnav's words, Dr. Leela's words, and now even Amma's words.

Fucking hell, I can't-

"Everything okay, dove?"

Looking up, I see that Shalini is looking at me with concern.

"Are you alright," Varsha asked.

"I'm fine," and I pinched my lips together to form a smile.

"Are you sure? You didn't even practice today," Maira said.

She's right, I haven't.

"Are you sure everything's alright, Khushi," Mama asked.

I hate to do this. "Yeah, just really full after eating at Amma's," I lied. "I feel really bloated, I think I'm just gonna go up and lie down."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, sorry for wasting food, excuse me," and I got up to wash up.

I feel bad but... fuck, I feel like shit!

Once I was washed up, I quickly made my way upstairs. I changed into my sleepwear, opting for a green satin tank and shorts set, then took care of my business and went to bed. As I laid on my back, the quietness of the room didn't help so much, allowing for the events of today to echo even more in my head, to the point where I think I'm going to lose my damn-!

There was a knock at the door and it opened, and in came Arnav. His eyes immediately landed on mine as I looked at him. Not saying anything, he closed and locked the door, then headed into the closet.

I wonder if he's going to say anything.

Me too. I mean after everything he said earlier... I wonder.

You and me, both.

Some time later, Arnav came back into the room and took care of his business. Moments later, he came to bed and shut the lights off, laying on his side, facing his back to me.

Not again.

"Can I ask you something," he asked softly.

Oh! "Yes."

"What... what did you mean when you said well why aren't you?"

What-?

"Khushi, stop it! I'm not the enemy here-"

"Well why aren't you?!!!!"

Oh....

I cleared my throat. "Well, um... if you were... if you were the enemy then... then I could leave and... go back to being alone," I nearly whispered as I twiddled with my thumbs.

"I see.... Is that what you want?"

I felt my heart thud in chest.

"Do you want to leave," he asked, his tone still soft.

My heart only raced, so I took in a deep, calming breath, then let out. "No."

Arnav only hummed in return and I looked at him. All I could see was his dark hair, and the back of his black t-shirt and gray sweats. Taking in another deep breath, I moved closer to him and brought my pillow along with me.

"I just never want to be hurt again," I murmured.

"I don't want to hurt you," he murmured in return. "Ever."

Tears prickled in my eyes as a lump grew in my throat. I could only hum in return since speaking words just wasn't possible.

"Do not punish them when they are not the ones who have hurt you."

Fucking hell doc, your words continue to take over my mind!

She's not wrong you know....

I know. "Arnav?"

"Hmm?"

"I... may I hold you?"

For a moment, he didn't say anything, when finally he hummed in return. "If that's what you want."

"I do," and I moved closer to him and wrapped my arm around his waist as I buried my face into his back.

A calming feeling spread through me, and the events of today stopped echoing in mind, finally giving me peace.

"Arnav?"

"Hmm?"

"Someone once told me to not punish those who haven't hurt me. You haven't hurt me."

"I hope I haven't."

"You haven't," I said, shaking my head. "And I feel bad that I've punished you anyways."

"You haven't punished me-"

"Haven't I? I mean I lashed out at you-"

"We're past that," he said, turning around to me. "That's done with."

"I know but... but I still did it anyways. I unnecessarily punished you... and I'm sorry-"

"Hush," he soothed, caressing my cheek. 

My heart thudded in my chest once more, melting from his sweet gesture. "I'm really sorry."

"Khushi, please-"

"I mean it. And I'll try to be better, I'll try not to be such a bitch to you, it's not right."

Arnav let out a sigh, keeping his eyes on me. "May I hold you?"

"If that's what you want," I nodded.

A small smile spread across his lips and he wrapped his arm around me as I allowed myself to move closer to him, inhaling his scent - woodsy, citrusy, fresh, and sensual.

"All I want is you," Arnav murmured softly into my hair. "Good night, Khushi."

My heart thumped in my chest once more and I let out a sigh. "Good night, Arnav."

*~*

Waking up in Arnav's arms the following morning definitely had a sense of familiarity. 

It's only happened so many times.

Arnav was still asleep, his chest slowly rising and falling. Unlike last time, there wasn't a small smile playing on his lips, but I guess given the events of last night, why would he be? Despite there not being a smile, I couldn't remove my eyes from his lips. I'm momentarily brought back to the day after my last episode, when I had awoken in Arnav's arms, just like this, and felt his lips with my fingers.

Are they still that soft?

Tentatively reaching up, I placed my fingers over his lips. Just like last time, they were still soft.

How would they feel against mine?

I trailed my thumb over his lower lip, even though I felt my nerves starting bubble. Was it because I was scared of waking him up, or was it because fear was going off, trying to knock some sense into me and telling me not fall in danger? I have no idea. All I know is that I tried to gulp away the feeling, and continued to run my fingers over his lips.

That is until Arnav slightly stirred and opened his eyes.

Uh oh! Busted!

Oh, so you are awake!

My whole being froze as I stared at Arnav in fear, my eyes widening into large disks.

Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck!!!

Arnav simply looked at me quietly, still in a bit of a haze from sleep, before glancing down at my fingers, which were still on his lips.

Fuck! But I can't get myself to move them away! I'm absolutely frozen solid!

Fuck!!!

Arnav's eyes met mine once more as his lips slightly parted when he sharply inhaled. The feeling sent tingles all over me, forcing me to shut my eyes and let out a small gasp, my fingers slightly faltering over his lips, but by no means moving away.

Fuck, I need to move them but they won't! I'm a fucking ice cube once more!

Where's the voice when I need her?

When Arnav exhaled, I felt the tingles on my fingers again, and I peeked up at him. My eyes quickly met his, then darted down to his lips, then quickly looked back up into his eyes before focusing on his lips once more. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move my eyes away, frozen on them just like my fingers were. My heart thumped in my chest as a bubbling feeling grew within me - the same one that I couldn't recognize. But as I continued to gaze at his lips and felt the bubbling increase, I realized what it was that I was bubbling for. It only continued to increase, becoming more urgent. My fingers skimmed over Arnav's lips once more, Arnav shuddering slightly beneath them, gulping away his jitters.

Fuck, why are they so soft?! If I could just feel them on-!

The alarm started screaming from behind, causing Arnav and I to jolt apart.

What in the fucking-!

Arnav moved away and silenced the damn thing, then briefly laid flat on his back. "Um... I'm gonna go," and he quickly dashed out of bed, running away like a chicken who got its head cut off.

Geez, you'd think he was the one who got caught feeling the other's lips. But then again, this is Arnav we're talking about so...

He can be so cute sometimes.

Moments later, he came out, changed up in workout gear, though I must admit, he's a bit late this morning.

I wonder why?

His eyes briefly landed on me, his eyes slightly widening as his cheeks reddened. "Uh... see you later," and he dashed out of the room.

Such an innocent bud.

No kidding!

*~*

It's nice to finally be in the same car together, not to mention be going to work together after so long. I was dropped off first and then Dev drove away to drop off Arnav. Since I have no other plans later today except to rehearse when I get back to Raizada mansion, it didn't seem necessary to take my own car.

Heading on up, I spotted Ivy and she followed me into my room. We both got right down to work, going over things, which helped to keep most of the morning going. Eventually she left to do her work and I continued with mine, replying to several emails along the way. But while I was focused on work, I was also focused on the events of last night, as well as this morning.

Geez-us, why am I such a mess? One minute I'm hot, the next I'm cold. One minute I'm all like why do you love me? The next I'm like may I hold you? Like what is up with that? What is up with that? It doesn't make any sense! It-!

Urgh! I blame therapy for this!

Speaking of which... the way I walked out like that....

"Someone like who?"

"Someone who is terrified to love him back!"

"But do you love him?"

"I-!"

Oh for fuck's sake....

Grabbing my phone, I leaned back into my chair and dialed Dr. Leela. While the phone rang, I turned in my chair and looked out the window.

"Good afternoon, Khushi."

Well, the good doctor doesn't sound mad. "Good afternoon, doc," I replied, glancing back at the clock to see that it indeed was already past noon.

Time sure does fly by, and I really need to get my ass rehearsing!

"I apologize for storming out of my session like that," I sighed. "I shouldn't have done that."

"It's understandable."

I hummed in return. "When can I come in again?"

"Well... let's see... probably not until next Monday."

What-? "Next Monday? I can't wait till next Monday!"

"I-"

"No doc, you don't understand. I'm on a fucking rollercoaster here, going up and down nonstop! I'm losing my head!"

"I see.... Well, I have some time until my next patient. But only 15 minutes."

"Thanks doc, really. I mean especially after what happened yesterday when I got home and this morning, I need you."

"Why, what happened?"

"Arnav finally openly said that he's in love with me."

Dr. Leela went quiet for a second. "I see. And what was your response?"

"I kept asking him why he loved me and how it was possible for him to love someone as damaged as me."

"Khushi, you're not damaged."

"Funny, Arnav said the same."

"He's not wrong either. Sure, you may be a bit traumatized from those past events, but you're not damaged. Your trauma can be worked on, it can be improved to hopefully a point where it will never affect you again."

I let out a sigh and leaned into my chair. "I guess.... I guess I have it better than some. After all, he only attempted, he didn't succeed."

"You were still abused none the less, and that's never okay."

"I know," I nearly whispered.

"What else did Arnav say?"

"Only a laundry list of reasons as to why he loves me."

"And yet you don't believe him."

"How can I doc," I sighed. "I mean after everything... just," and I let out another sigh.

Dr. Leela went quiet for a moment, then spoke up. "Khushi, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Was there ever a brief moment - even if it was the tiniest - where you may have felt love for your ex-husband?"

My eyes widened as soon as I heard the question. "What-? What are you, insane? How could I possibly-!"

"Then why are you so afraid to return Arnav's love?"

"What-? That's just-! I mean...."

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up a second! I mean... what-? No! Just-! No! No, no way!

...no way.... right?

"You were married to him for 4 months," Dr. Leela said softly. "Is it possible that maybe there was a hint of feelings for him?"

I felt my body go rigid as a shiver went up my spine. "No."

"At all?"

Gulping away the icky feeling, I sat up in my chair. "No, not at all. If anything...."

"Yes?"

I let another heavy sigh. "If anything, only the idea of potentially falling in love was on my mind. After all, I thought that I'd be spending the rest of my life with him."

"So why don't you have the same mindset with Arnav?"

"Because I've already been divorced once before. It can happen again."

"And do you want that?"

Last night's words instantly came to mind.

"If you were the enemy then... then I could leave and... go back to being alone."

"I see.... Is that what you want? Do you want to leave?"

"No."

"No," I nearly whispered.

"Then why do you fight it?"

"I... see this is what I mean with the stupid rollercoaster feeling! I have issues and question how he can be in love with me but then I can't stay away and ask if I can hold him as we fall asleep. It's ridiculous Dr. Leela, and I want off of it!"

"I'm sorry to say Khushi, but the only one who can let you off of the rollercoaster is you."

My eyes slightly widened.

"As you said, Arnav gave you a laundry list of reasons as to why he loves you. And if you ask me, you are a strong, beautiful woman, Khushi, don't ever doubt that."

"I'm not insecure of my looks."

"But you're insecure when it comes to the matter of falling in love."

What-?

"I understand Khushi - it's been hard for you. Wrongly so, but it's been hard. You didn't deserve any of the pain that was given to you by your ex-husband and his family. It wasn't fair that you had to go through that, you didn't deserve to at all. But now, here you have a chance at so many good things, a chance at happiness. There is a man who absolutely loves you, adores you, and so does his family. They're the complete opposite of those who have hurt you, and yet you are still afraid. Conquer that fear, Khushi, don't let it rule you. Do not let the past control you. You can overcome it, you are worthy of love, you deserve happiness. Take a leap of faith and I know things will change for the better."

I have no idea when I started crying. All I know is that I've grabbed a tissue and I'm dabbing my tears away, not trying to mess up my makeup. 

"Don't punish the ones who haven't hurt you, right," I sniffled.

"Exactly."

"So my mind keeps replaying and reminding me. Thanks doc, I needed to hear that."

"You're welcome. And again, I'm available on Monday."

"I'll have my assistant call and set up an appointment."

"No problem. Have a good day, Khushi, and remember - you deserve happiness. No matter what."

With that, our call ended, and I let out a sigh as I leaned back in my chair.

Take a leap of faith, she said....

We'll just have to see.